Saturday, April 18, 2009

A Firsts of Sorts...

So, this is not my first and only blog. I've had one with LiveJournal since my college friend convinced me to seek other methods of venting rather than through my mouth when I was a sophmore. I had never kept a regular journal, or blog as they call it these days. Anyways, I decided to create a new one I suppose not as a way to run away from my past and the crazy thoughts that I have accumulated over the course of my college carreer, but I feel it's time for a change. Afterall, I am about to embark on a new adventure; well maybe not for a year, but a year goes by so quickly these days.

I currently attend graduate school for European history. When I first entered, I didn't know which area to choose to focus my studies; I had so many interests and not enough venues to explore them all. So after mulling on it for a semester, I decided to focus on 19th century Britain...mainly opinions they had on the empire and Ireland. I am currently revising my thesis, if that's what you want to call's really a 30-50 page seminar paper that supposedly I could publish one day. Mine is on British public opinion of the beginning of the Irish Potato Famine and Sir Robert Peel. I love the perplexed, yet bored look people give me when I tell them about it when they ask. It currently sits at 42 pages and I have been working on it close to a year now. Wow. It can't be that long. I'm currently in the revising stage and I have to present a smaller version of it soon at a conference. I'm so nervous. Public speaking and I don't get along so well. I remember when I was first thrust into practicing it for the real world (what is that exactly?) I did good until I became aware that all eyes were on me and I began to sway like a ship during a storm. I don't usually speak clearly and I repel attention.

I also work at a library looking for materials that people cannot seem to find and materials that people said they returned. Sure items are often out of place and we do make mistakes, but the majority of the time people just don't look and they take the librarians to be fools. I also supervise about half of my time on the circulation desk as well. I have been with this job for 2.5 years and I'm not sure how I feel about it now. I work nights and everyone's weekend; my weekend is spent in the middle of the week, Wednesday and Thursday. In the beginning I loved it, I loved playing detective in the stacks while feeling like I'm serving a greater good to get people their research materials. However, reality...or rather a grim outlook has set in for me regarding it. I am taken for granted, I feel where people want me to look for everything all at once and become super mad at me like it's my fault that the book magically disappeared. I am constantly being talked to by my so called superiors for not giving a patron what they want even though the policy explicitly says no. I always feel so suffocated there and unmotivated especially if I'm just going to get yelled at for it later.

So when the question of whether or not I want to obtain my doctorate in history, I still ponder it. I like working in the library, or rather I used to in the cataloging department, but I also like history so much that I now don't know what I'd do without it. It's a high accomplishing a huge task of writing something that professionals like enough to give me an A. It's funny to think 5 years ago I still obtained the childhood ambition of becoming a doctor one day and delivering babies for a living. Even now, my mind still wonders if I should have taken that path and transferred out just so I can still go for it. But then again, I would not have met the wonderful friends I have now, nor have met the man of my dreams, or even given birth to a beautiful baby girl 7 months ago.

Yes, I do have a baby, and I'm working on my graduate degree, and I work full-time at a library; and no, I'm not crazy...yet. My little girl, Leona, is the most beautiful and best thing I think I have ever done. It's also the hardest thing I've done too.

So on that note, I think I will retire this first post.

(Insert some kind of awesome ending here alluding to next time...)